"A few days in space. What's the worst that could happen?" (Review)

Sometimes a blockbuster movie gets poor reviews and doesn’t do very well in the theatres. And sometimes that movie gets poor DVD reviews and doesn’t do well in the rental stores either. And sometimes I decide that the reviews are wrong and the movie might actually be great anyway. And sometimes the movie really is great and I’m happy I chose to watch it. Fantastic Four fits the description of those first three sentences. It does not even come close to bearing any resemblance whatsoever to the fourth sentence.

I guess it was inevitable that another comic book movie would be produced, especially considering the success of Batman Begins, the X-Men series and Spider-man. The difference between those films and the not-so-Fantastic Four is this: those other movies had good characters, great dialogue, interesting storylines and top notch direction. Not-even-close-to-being-Fantastic Four has weak characters, mundane dialogue (if you’ve seen the trailers, you’ve heard all the “good” lines already), a pointless storyline and who the heck is Tim Story? Oh wait, he directed Barbershop and Taxi. Well, I guess that explains that.

Five scientists jump on board an orbiting space station to study the effects of a cosmic storm, only to be bombarded by the intense radiation of the storm itself. In true superhero fashion the radiation fundamentally alters their DNA. Now they have super powers. The leader, Reed Richards, now has the ability to stretch himself to incredible lengths and is dubbed Mr. Fantastic (I guess Mr. Rubber-Arms just didn’t have the same ring to it). Sue Storm, Reed’s estranged girlfriend, can turn herself invisible and create force fields. Cleverly enough she is called The Invisible Girl. Johnny Storm, Sue’s brother, can light himself on fire. Ok, so anyone can do that but Johnny, a.k.a. The Human Torch, can do it without hurting himself and can reach temperatures approaching super nova. His role provides the only comic relief in the film and it’s not much. Ben Grimm is the only member of the foursome to have his appearance changed permanently. With orange rocks for skin and organs, Ben becomes The Thing (are these really the best names Stan Lee could come up with?). The fifth scientist, Victor Von Doom (can you see this one coming?), takes on a metallic appearance and can control electrical fields. Since his last name is Doom he has to be the bad guy and voila, we have Dr. Doom.

Throw all these characters together and you have, well, kind of a big mess actually. I can only assume that the comic book is much better written. The dialogue in the film is campy and corny. I groaned more than laughed through this one. And while the special effects are pretty cool, it’s really just a huge mish-mash of CGI effects. I think this film could have done very well as an animated adventure but perhaps The Incredibles was too much to compete with. As it is, it doesn’t appear that opposite-of-Fantastic Four is trying to compete with anything. It really feels like it’s relying solely on the popularity of the comic book to make it successful. I’m sure die hard fans of the series probably enjoyed the film but for the rest of us movie-goers it’s a waste of time.

Fantastic Four is presented in blah-blah-blah aspect ratio and includes a who-cares audio track. Seriously, this movie is not worth your time. A friend commented that he heard someone describe it as the worst movie ever. I don’t think it’s bad enough to garner that distinction, but it is pretty bad. I didn’t look to see if there were any special features. Like I want to go behind-the-scenes and learn how to make a crappy movie.

Bearing-no-resemblance-to-anything-Fantastic Four is over-hyped, over-done and not over soon enough. Again, if you’re a real comic book fan you might get something out of this. If not, avoid in-no-way-Fantastic Four at all costs.

Fantastic (not!) Four gets 4 Mr. Stars – I can think of uncreative names too – (out of 10).

Fundamentally altered trivia for ‘Fantastic Four’.